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A miscarriage was harder than I ever could have anticipated. All of the hopes and dreams that flood your mind the moment you find out you’re pregnant, vanish without a trace. The world of possibilities that you’d imagined
I thought a miscarriage would be different from other losses. And it was, but not in the way I’d expected. The loss of a life for someone who had crossed over into the external world seemed like it would be bigger, more significant. But nothing could be further from the truth. The life inside me was just as real, just as significant. There’s an added twist though. NONE of what I’d imagined for my sweet baby girl’s life would EVER happen. The pain carries on, there’s no closure. I’ll always wonder what she would have been like. Even the word “miscarriage” doesn’t convey the significance of the loss of a life.
My Miscarriage
At the very end of January, I was surprised by nausea and fatigue which lead me to believe I could be pregnant. We weren’t “trying” yet after our first child, and I thought I’d had my period, albeit a strange one. After I took the pregnancy test and confirmed that I was pregnant, we were over the MOON! Being able to get pregnant without the stress of trying was incredibly exciting! At my pregnancy confirmation appointment, I had some very light bleeding and the Nurse Practitioner thought was coming from my cervix. She scheduled an ultrasound at the hospital the following week, to confirm.
The baby looked great and nothing appeared to be any cause for concern. We were beyond relieved! Additionally, I thought that I was at 6 weeks and found out I was actually at 9 weeks! It was so cool to not only get pregnant without trying, but to be so much further than I expected! Baby was due one day after our son’s due date, September 11, 2017. Maybe we were out of the woods and the threat of a miscarriage was over!
The next week we did the genetic testing, and the following week the results were all negative- excellent news. The doctor’s office put a piece of paper revealing the baby’s gender in an envelope so that we could open it together that night as a family. Monday night (2/21) we were THRILLED to discover we’d be having a baby girl! We had sensed she was a girl and kept calling her our little princess and then laughed about how funny it would be if the baby ended up being a boy.
It was surreal to think that we could get pregnant unexpectedly, be further along than we anticipated, be having another September baby, and having a sweet baby girl. Only minutes after opening the envelope that revealed the gender, I started bleeding and passing clots. How could this be happening? All my fears of having a miscarriage came back and stronger than ever. I called my doctor and she said if the bleeding stopped to
As we were checking in at the Emergency Room I passed a HUGE clot and I was sure it was the baby. I panicked. I left my husband to finish checking me in and walked awkwardly to the bathroom trying to hold anything in that I could. There was blood everywhere and a clot the size of a small cucumber. I didn’t see a baby. Could the baby be in that bloody mess? I cleaned up the best that I could and went back to the waiting room.
Swaying as I stood brought me some comfort. Plus, I didn’t want to sit and risk bleeding on the furniture. As we waited, I prepared myself for the news that I’d miscarried. My only hope was that I wasn’t cramping at all. Everything that I read mentioned cramping. I held on to that last glimmer of hope. We were in the waiting room for an hour before we were able to move to a room.
I sat on the bed in the room bleeding, waiting for the doctor for another hour. A nasty nurse added rage to the sadness. When the doctor arrived he seemed unconcerned with my situation and basically said that time would tell. He ordered a blood test so that we could compare and see if my HCG levels were dropping.
I asked if I could have an ultrasound. I NEEDED to see our baby. That seemed like the obvious way to see if she was okay! He told me it wasn’t necessary. I begged him. He said he’d consider it, but acted like he wouldn’t. About 3 hours after we’d arrived at the Emergency Room, an ultrasound tech walked into the room and wheeled my bed to Radiology. I was tremendously grateful the doc had ordered the ultrasound! And the ultrasound tech was incredibly sweet and took so many photos for us.
The ultrasound showed our baby was still there and she even waved at us! I became optimistic; I felt like everything was going to be alright. How could it not be when I could SEE our beautiful baby! Then the doc came in and said
Tuesday afternoon the bleeding slowed and at the OBs
I woke up Thursday at 3:00 am with a little cramping. I made an appointment with my doctor in case the cramping continued to get worse, and it did. At 1:00 pm the doc reported the same as Tuesday and thought the cramping could be to pass the remaining clots. This seemed odd to me because I hadn’t cramped at all previously and passed some huge clots. I went home that afternoon and basically went into labor. I was in excruciating pain and timed the contractions that were 3 minutes apart. By the evening the contractions had subsided and I was so happy to still be with child.
I went to pee before bed and I felt some pressure… and our baby girl slid out of me. Miscarriage. I was devastated. I could clearly see her perfectly formed
The next day we took her to a funeral home and had her cremated. They cremated her for free, which was tremendously appreciated. The next summer we buried her ashes above our house, on the hill. She has a gorgeous view and she can watch over our family and be with us.
I felt like logically I understood this is common and I needed to move on, but remembering that I was no longer pregnant was incredibly hard. The hormones made navigating my emotions even more difficult. It was a while before I slept through the night without waking up crying. I knew that we’d have a rainbow baby someday, but that was not much comfort at the time. I knew I’d heal in time, but it was impossible to imagine feeling whole again.
The term “miscarriage” doesn’t seem significant enough to mark the importance of
I carried you every moment of your life and I will think of you every moment for the rest of mine. I will always carry your heart in my heart. Even in heaven, you are still our baby. No footprint is too tiny to leave an imprint on this world. I miss you so much and the life that I had imagined for you. Your wings were ready, but my heart was not.
If my love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
UPDATE: I’m happy to report we had our rainbow baby girl February 2018, almost exactly one year after our loss. Of course, I still feel the loss of our other baby girl, tears stream down my face as I write this.
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